February 2012
1 post
1 tag
January 2012
1 post
November 2011
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1 post
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December 2010
2 posts
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2 posts
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1 post
4 tags
April 2010
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October 2009
2 posts
Kanye West blogs about me and my project →
September 2009
6 posts
Appendix
There was a time when I was having intense pains in my midsection. I was certain it was my appendix. Turned out it was probably just gas. It passed.
It got me wondering what the hell we even need an appendix for, if we can live just fine with it removed. It seems to me it’s just full of extraneous junk we’re never going to read.
I often try to guess what might be in my appendix, but...
Movin' On Up
Years ago I had a chance to see the Broadway musical “Movin’ Out”. I didn’t know anything about it, other than it was set to the kick-ass tunes of Mr. Billy Joel.
It turned out to be the funniest show I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen “Rent”).
Evidently back in the late 60s, tough guys would dance ballet/jazz for their tough guy friends to convince...
Reverse Sexism
Everywhere I go I see these Curves gyms for women. No men allowed? That strikes me as discriminatory.
I’m going to open up a chain of gyms exclusively for men. I’m calling it Bulge.
The Man
If you ever find a loophole or system error that allows you to gain advantage over The Man, exploit it, and for the love of Pete don’t tell anyone else the secret. If you do, the word will spread and The Man will find out and cut you off (like every bartender at every bar you’ve ever been to, you Angry Drunk).
Let’s say you work in my building and you’ve discovered that...
Johnny and the Tumblers
In 1980, I was seven years old, and in my gymnastics class I was exposed to all manner of obscenities in the form of jokes (as told by another seven-year old) about a character named Johnny Fucker Faster. There were maybe four or five jokes about Johnny and the ever-increasing misunderstandings resulting from his unfortunate middle/last name combo. A side character in at least one of the jokes was...
Genius Mortis
“Every asshole has an opinion.” That’s an old saying. I think it’s where the cliche, “Your opinion is shit” derived from.
What follows is my opinion (shit as you may think it).
I fly in the face of modern thinking that someone artistic who commits suicide is suddenly this undeniable genius.
Example 1:
“Hey Genius, what’s the square root of...
Helpful Advice
Sometimes one thing (alcohol) leads to another (sex).
August 2009
8 posts
Owned pwnd
For approximately five years (perhaps six), I have hated the use of the word “own”. Not the conventional use (I own my car), but the modern frat boy owning (or owning*). I also realize it is barbelled on the other end of the spectrum by the antithesis of frat boy, hyper-geek (but they tend to use the “cool” misspelled version “pwn”). Those l33t-speaking...
En Guarde
I take offense when people say I have a rapier wit. I think a lot of people would agree with me when I counter that I have the rapiest wit. Maybe not “a lot” of people, but you know, all the people I have raped. OK, that’s a lot.
Before you start getting metaphorical and justifying my rapey wit as the kind that blindside fucks you, please look at it more literally. Rape is...
Apolocaust
Step 9 in the 12 Step Program is something about making apologies to every individual you have wronged. This step follows Step 8 which is inventorying the wrongs you have done to everyone. Step 8 was boring, so I skipped it. Step 9 seems boring, too, so I’m just going to lump all my apologies into one big grand heartfelt purge of guilt. If you feel you are owed some part of this, feel free...
The Gas Problem
Disclaimer: My apologies in advance. This entry is serious. It is not intended to be humorous. The subject matter is austere and no laughing matter. There are grave, relevant concerns at stake. And this has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with farts or flatulence, no matter what you may read into it.
The Gas Problem, by Farty O’Tailpipe
Everyone is aware of the current economic...
Glitters
Usually you make pretty good decisions, but this time I feel I need to step in and say something.
Bad idea. Don’t do it. You’ll regret it, big time.
OK, I’ll admit, that jacket looks really awesome on you. I get that it’s “vintage”. And, I understand your hipster credibility (though you deny you seek it) will skyrocket when you don it’s fine Prussian...
Axed
To Whom It May Concern at the offices of Unilever United States, Inc.:
This letter shall serve as my official grievance regarding your product, Axe Body Spray and the resultant advertised Axe Effect.
After watching your commercials over and over, I mailed away for a free sample of your spray. I do not know if the specific batch I received was faulty, or what, but the effect I expected to benefit...
Gravity's Gravitas
Everyone is familiar (very) with the theory of Gravity, right? Everyone obeys this so-called “law” of Gravity, correct? Everyone is so fucking in love with Gravity and it’s all they ever talk about, agreed?
Not me, friend. I have my own theories on Mr. F=mg.
Gravity … it sucks.
“Gravity is awesome!” you might be declaring right now, shaking your indignant...
July 2009
5 posts
The Clowns Of The Sea
Pirates are pretty much a joke, right?
Did you ever wonder why about 50% of eye-patch pirates have their patch over their left eye, and the other 50% over their right eye? It’s so their mirror-mime shows are more believable.
History tells us that we should be afraid of pirates. They’ll rape and pillage and steal your pieces of eight. It’s no coincidence that the word...
Articles: Definite vs. Indefinite
I’m sure you’re all wondering how my stand-up went last night.
Was it a bomb or the bomb?
Was it shit or the shit?
Well, folks, I hate to tell you, but I got bumped and didn’t get to perform. I know, I know … how do you get bumped from your own basement, especially when no one else is there? All I can say is that my comedy wasn’t underground enough for “The...
Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Socks *...
Socks get holes in the toes because your toenails are gross.
Darn socks.
Socks stink if you wear them on sweaty feet in smelly shoes.
Socks, like people, come in all colors, including black. Get used to it.
Open Mic @ The Basement
Sorry for the short notice, but I only just found out. I booked a five-minute stand-up gig for tomorrow night (Thursday, July 2, 2009) at 9 PM. It’s an open mic kind of thing at The Basement. The Basement is literally my basement. I’m pushing the ping-pong table aside and setting up some folding chairs.
It’s my stand-up comedy debut, so if you’re in my basement tomorrow...
Huddled Masses
The singlemost reason I don’t want to be homeless is that other homeless people feel like they can talk to you as equals. I don’t need to commiserate with some dude wearing a burlap sack and ten pairs of socks. As if I didn’t have enough problems not having a place to live, now I’ve got to deal with these new “friends”? No thanks.
June 2009
5 posts
The Third Person in a Two Person Conversation
I’d like to address a serious issue. It’s an issue that may affect you, as I know it affects me. It’s the issue of an affected “third person”.
I can’t stand it when someone refers to me, to me, as if I’m not there. “How’s Rick?” or “What’s up with Rick?” It’s confusing and annoying. I prefer to be called...
Waxing Poetic
I’ve noticed that a lot of people use these blogs to showcase their “talent” as poets or deep abstract thinkers. I’m not the kind of guy who broods in dark corners lamenting nature’s battle with technology, commiserating with myself over the loss of my horsehound jacket in the rainbow waterfall of youth (see? what the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?).
Remember...
So Emo
It’s amazing what you can learn about someone once they’re gone (mostly because it’s the only chance you get to rifle through their stuff without fear of being discovered and beaten lifeless).
Recently, my dad was prematurely taken from us.
At first I was pretty sad about it, but then I took it as kind of a blessing. I mean, you won’t believe the stuff I learned about him...
The Nature of Evil
People are evil.
Inherently evil. All of us. Even you. Especially you.
They say your doppelganger is your double, who is everything bad about you that you try to repress, and if you meet them, you will self-destruct because you won’t be able to handle all the evil in yourself. But what if you yourself are the doppelganger (you are!) and there’s a “good you” running around...
Clubbin'
I joined a secret boys-only club recently.
I’m the oldest guy in the group, but the boys let me join as long as I shared my big bag of candy with them. I didn’t mind. I brought plenty.
We use my van as our clubhouse. It’s parked in the woods behind the elementary school. They come out during recess and we play some fun games I invented.
One that they seem to really enjoy is...
April 2009
4 posts
Oh, Fudge!
I bet working in a Fudge Factory is a lot like working in a Fun Factory.
I mean, can you imagine all the jokes that must go around that place? It’s so easy to pretend to swear or to make some double entendres. And nothing is more fun that that!
Like, you can tell your employees to “get the fudge out of here” when they are slow to process the shipping. Or you can tell a hungry...
Haiku
I entered a haiku contest over the weekend, but didn’t win. I was so close too. I came second.
Actually, maybe it was sudoku. I always get those two confused.
OK, what’s it called when you lay on a table next to a bunch of other naked guys and some Japanese ladies rub and tug you all with vegetable oil, the place smelling like hot wok ding dong, until the first guy of the bunch makes...
A Letter of "Apology"
I have received a number of complaints (that number being zero) about my using the word “retard” in this blog. It is felt that I have unjustly victimized those who have been victimized enough already. I have no defense other than my own small-minded attempt to amuse using shock and awe techniques.
This brings up a serious issue of double standards in our society. Why is it that...
Midgets, Midgets, Everywhere
Since moving to Colorado over five years ago, I’ve seen an average of one midget per week. Usually it’s a new midget, but sometimes I have duplicate spottings. They might be “dwarves” or “little people” or “wee ones” or whatever PC term midgets are called nowadays, but no matter what you call them (me, I call them “midgets”), I see them...
March 2009
22 posts
Apropos of Whatever
When I can, I’ll post everyday. That’s a guarantee. I might get bored and stop posting. That’s a guarantee, too. You can take those things to the bank. Just print them out, drive to your local branch, and hand them to the teller. You won’t be sorry.
James Dean was the star of three movies, only three, before he died. He died when he was 24 or 25 or whatever (I’m not...
Ringtones
You can tell a lot about a person by the ringtone they choose (but mostly it tells you they’re receiving a phone call).
Everyone wants an original tone to show how original they themselves are. I’m always like, whoa, that guy must be a super awesome dude because his ringtone is some garbled midi-tune barely recognizable as an Uncle Kracker “hit”. Oh man, that girl is...
Voice Artists
Everyone says Renoir is this great impressionist, but have you heard his Abraham Lincoln? Sounds more like a bad Gerard Depardieu. Hack! Always had trouble with accents, if you ask me.
Now, Pissarro!! He’s the Picasso of impressions. He’s like the Rich Little of the late-1800s. I know it’s not fair to compare his Neo-Impressionist style, but the guy was good.
Way ahead of his...
Chasm Via Sarcasm
I’m anti-social. In that I have no verbal skills.
My trouble is misinterpreted modulation and enunciation. While not intentional, I always sound facetious. And it seems to rub people the wrong way.
For example (por ejemplo (for you Spaniards)):
Them: “We just had a baby!”
Me: “Who really gives a fuck?”
See? It might just be the use of the word...
Nice Catch, Sport
The other day when I was walking my dog around the block, I noticed some kids playing in the street. They were tossing the old pigskin and having general kidlike fun. There was one boy, obviously the self-appointed leader, who was educating the other boys on the fine art of football know-it-all. He, like them, was probably ten or eleven, but it was evident that he was far superior in body and...
Not Whatnot. What?
Three months ago after three months of persuading, I stopped using the phrase “and/or whatnot”. I think you should do the same.
It’s a saturated affectation that smacks of falsity. A popular turn-of-phrase merely for the sake of seeming aloof. I can understand your desire to cling to “whatnot”, especially if you’ve been using it originally for years. I was once...
Playing With My Food (Emotionally)
I hate food that tells me what I can or can’t do. My goal is always to prove it wrong as defiantly, and as childishly, as I can (usually to my own detriment).
For example:
I believe it’s not butter.
One Lay’s potato chip, please. No, that’s all. I don’t need anymore. I’m full.
I hold M&Ms in my hand on a hot summer day until my palm is gooey liquid brown,...
Word Games
Words are, in a word, important.
This applies not only to writing and speaking, but reading and listening as well.
You’ve got to be diligent about words. Missing even one can mean the difference between aggressive (I’m going to fuck you up!) and sexually aggressive (I’m going to fuck you!). This is only one example of the effect of words in the workplace.
It’s good to...