Gravity’s Gravitas
Everyone is familiar (very) with the theory of Gravity, right? Everyone obeys this so-called “law” of Gravity, correct? Everyone is so fucking in love with Gravity and it’s all they ever talk about, agreed?
Not me, friend. I have my own theories on Mr. F=mg.
Gravity … it sucks.
“Gravity is awesome!” you might be declaring right now, shaking your indignant fist in my direction. “Gravity is my best friend,” you might be thinking while you’re declaring “Gravity is awesome!” and shaking your tireless, meaty fist.
“I’m sad for you,” I shall retort if you were to say these things to me, “So sad for you.”
Gravity’s only friend is, and always has been, Gravity. Gravity is a bully, holding you down and laughing at you all the while. Don’t believe me? Check the facts.
FACT: God created Gravity. It was like on the fourth day or something, after all kinds of shit kept flying off the planet.
FACT: God created dinosaurs, and they ruled the world, big as fuck, roaring and chomping all over this good green Earth for some kind of millions of years.
FACT: Gravity’s powers were challenged by these giant floating beasts who loomed larger and higher than Gravity’s terrestrial strengths could hold, thus allowing Gravity to be mocked daily.
FACT: Gravity got all kinds of pissed (including drunk, mad, and pant-soiled) and slowed the rotation of the Earth, creating greater power for Himself (it’s totally a He) and therefore crushing the dinosaurs into oblivion (as well as drawing down some meteors for good measure).
Fast forward 4,000 years into the future.
Oh shit, here comes Mr. Jesus H. Christ, God’s new baby boy. The favorite.
FACT: Straight out of the box (virgin), Jesus is walking on water, juggling hundreds of loaves and fish, floating through town like some prehistoric David Blaine, using the Force to keep apples from falling from trees, and telling anyone who will listen that the world is flat and the Sun rotates around it and the moon is made of green cheese (which everyone knows has no effect on the tides (obviously)).
FACT: Gravity goes into a rage over his step-brother’s defiance. He uses a little of his own magic to make the bag of silver paid to Judas for his betrayal feel like double the coinage, and then when little baby Jesus is up on the cross, Gravity bears down on him until he feels like he’s taken on the weight of all the world’s sin (even those that haven’t yet been born).
Gravity wins!!
FACT: Jesus steals Gravity’s thunder once again by rolling aside a heavy rock and ascending. Gravity, as it turns out, has one weakness. Ghosts.
Jesus wins!!!
Gravity laid low, defeated, for some number of years (like 1,500 or 1,600) until some paisano named Galileo Galilei (the Italian equivalent of Steven Stephens) dropped his oranges off the Leaning Tower of Pisa and they landed on the head of Sir Isaac Newton. Pranks are funny, but what you may not know is they are also almost always the source of all major scientific discoveries.
Suddenly, Gravity pulled a lot of weight. He even got a bit of a God-complex (claiming OMG stood for Oh My Gravity, and TGIF Thank Gravity It’s Friday). No one dared challenge Gravity. That is, until the appearance of yet another fictional character …
FACT: Superman, not of Earth, hadn’t heard of Gravity’s reign and proceeded to do all manner of flying about and throwing big things and leaving the atmosphere and time traveling via reverse planetary rotation.
FACT: Gravity has killed all men who have played Superman in the movies Superman I-IV.
That’s pretty much my case against Gravity. Fool-proof, I’d say.
Don’t let Gravity keep you down. Strap on your anti-gravity boots and join my revolution (Three People Against Gravity). I just need two more members, gravitydammit, so join now!
2 years ago