There was a time when I was having intense pains in my midsection. I was certain it was my appendix. Turned out it was probably just gas. It passed.
It got me wondering what the hell we even need an appendix for, if we can live just fine with it removed. It seems to me it’s just full of extraneous junk we’re never going to read.
I often try to guess what might be in my appendix, but every time I imagine it, I always picture stuff I’ve heard “could” be in there, and not stuff that actually “might” be in there. Here’s my list:
1) a big multi-colored wad of gum (chewing and bubble), swallowed through the ages and collected, like Violet Beauregard would, to be chewed again at a later date. It’s possible. I’ve swallowed gum before.
2) a nickel. I always picture a nickel in my appendix, though I am 100% certain I have never swallowed a nickel (or any coin). I would never put a nickel in my mouth, because someone probably had that nickel up their butt (at least that’s what my friend Sam would have you believe - and I believe it. The world is full of perverts who imagine people putting coins up their butts like some sort of ass piggy bank in reverse).
3) a bullet. I once heard a story about a man who had his appendix removed and they found a bullet in there. He was as surprised as I would be if there was a bullet in mine, so it’s possible, though to my recollection I’ve never been shot (yet).
4) seeds. Everyone inadvertently swallows seed (not man-seed - you know when you swallow that). There are bound to be some apple seeds and orange seeds and watermelon seeds just sitting in my appendix waiting for the day I swallow a shovelful of potting soil so they can grow into trees and sprout out my ears.
5) a surprise! I bet there is one totally unexpected thing in my appendix. If I ever have it removed, I can’t wait to have them crack it open like a piñata at a Mexican kid’s birthday party, so I can see what kind of fun pours out. Hey, it’s grandma’s glass eye!
So, that’s it. The contents of my completely useless appendix (as I imagine them to be). We should find a way to make the appendix of use. Maybe install a zipper and make it an internal change purse.
“Hey, homeless guy, sure I’ve got some loose change,” (unzip), “here you go.”
“It’s got gum and bile all over it.”
“Beggars can’t be choosers.”
“I was going to stuff that up my butt, but not now. Gross.”3 years ago