Playing With My Food (Emotionally)
I hate food that tells me what I can or can’t do. My goal is always to prove it wrong as defiantly, and as childishly, as I can (usually to my own detriment).
For example:
I believe it’s not butter.
One Lay’s potato chip, please. No, that’s all. I don’t need anymore. I’m full.
I hold M&Ms in my hand on a hot summer day until my palm is gooey liquid brown, red, green, blue, and yellow. How ya like me now, Mr. Mouthmelter? High five? I didn’t think so.
I take the tiniest cookie-only bite along the edge, just to win the bet. What up, Chips Ahoy, you old sea-faring gambler? Guess the house didn’t win this one. Pay up! One chip, please. CHOMP!
I eat Trix. What are you going to do about it, kids? That’s what I thought.
Once you pop, you just can’t stop? If that was true, I’d still be eating that can of Pringles I started in 1994 before I had to run to the bathroom with rapid-onset diarrhea.
McDonald’s I’m lovin’ it, Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? I’m neutral (at best) toward these things.
And, if household cleaning products are so harmful if swallowed, why do they make them look and smell like orange soda? Chug-a-lug! Wash it down with some liquid bleach.
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If you believe anything I wrote above, you just fell for the biggest April Fool’s Day joke ever played, sucker!!! Even better because it was done on a day that’s not even April Fool’s Day! Double fooled!!
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Does anyone know the phone number to poison control?
2 years ago